There's an interesting post up on Gawker attempting to tackle the age-old question that sent Freud to his grave....what do women want?
An astute female commenter named Imjustskinny put it nicely "I want someone to TELL me what I want ;)"
X
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Leavin' ....on a jet plane....
Little slow on the posts lately. I’ve been sick twice in a month. First I had food poisoning for a few days where I felt like I was dying. Woke up fine Saturday morning, by Saturday afternoon I felt like I was aborting a porcupine from my womb with a wire hanger. Now I have a cold, undoubtedly caught from the walking Petri dishes in my office. More than half my office has it and they were kind enough to infect me. In the last year and a half I think I’ve been sick about a dozen times. The combination of going out so much and not sleeping enough has left me with an immune system roughly as proficient as Magic Johnson’s. At this rate I’ll achieve my Pickup goals only to die at 37 of Bubonic Plague.
Girl update…..Bobby Fisher petered out in bizarre fashion. Her phone was shut off – not just off but disconnected – for a week and half. A few texts here and there and she stopped responding. Working on a very attractive girl that I met the week after I met Bobby Fisher. She gave me half a hand job in a burger joint the night I met her. She definitely wants to sleep with me but she lives far away and it’s been a month and a half since I met her out. I can’t believe she’s still returning my texts and calls.
Other than that I am going to Mexico on vacation all next week…. Hoping to score an easy vacation lay in between chilling on the beach. Will keep you posted….
X
Girl update…..Bobby Fisher petered out in bizarre fashion. Her phone was shut off – not just off but disconnected – for a week and half. A few texts here and there and she stopped responding. Working on a very attractive girl that I met the week after I met Bobby Fisher. She gave me half a hand job in a burger joint the night I met her. She definitely wants to sleep with me but she lives far away and it’s been a month and a half since I met her out. I can’t believe she’s still returning my texts and calls.
Other than that I am going to Mexico on vacation all next week…. Hoping to score an easy vacation lay in between chilling on the beach. Will keep you posted….
X
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
NWLR: No Work Lay Report
“My bed’s filled with takeaways…. and fantasies of easy lays….” – Robbie Williams
Every once in awhile the pickup Gods smile upon you. Sometimes all you have to do is smile back. Saturday night was one such instance. My wing Alonzo invited me to a work party in Venice. I was feeling a little old as the party had the feel of a house party with young girls, a keg, and drinks being served out of the fridge. Good looking girls though in between all the hipsters. I loathe hipsters. No I don’t listen to the Jonas Brothers; they’re awful and purity rings are for 14-year old girls.
Any way around 11pm Alonzo opens a very cute girl and seems to hit it off, leaving me to my own devices. I’m walking through a courtyard area when a blonde girl with a nose ring kicks the back of knee.
Girl: Oh…..sooorry (very sarcastically)
Me: That’s going to cost you.
I had noticed her earlier. She was really cute, about 5’10”, an inch or so taller than me, and I had planned on approaching her anyway. I plop myself down next to her and immediately start qualifying her. You are very outgoing I like that. etc, etc. We talk about nothing in particular; she mentions that she has a dog, to which I say
“If I ever got a dog I would name him Stains….that way everyone would call him and say ‘Come stains…..come stains’”
She cracks up for a solid 30 seconds. A little more fluff talk. She talks about how she has 2 jobs so when she’s not working she likes to “watch lots of bad reality TV and have lots of sex.” I’m in. I make her laugh again and she leans into me as she’s laughing. I put my arm around her and bring her closer. I go in for the kiss…..full blown makeout session in the courtyard ensues. She pulls me in by my collar which really turns me on.
She says she has to go to the bathroom and I suggest I’ll get a couple of more drinks in the meantime. They are out of alcohol. Perfect! In retrospect I should have just said that anyway. I suggest we go to the nearby bar to continue the party. As we are walking out she says
“Oh I have to tell my sister I’m leaving” (pulls out phone and starts texting) “Taking off…if you are OK, I’ll see you in the morning” Guess we won’t be needing that 2nd drink, will we. :)
Hop in my car, start back to my place. She puts her hand on my junk and starts talking dirty. Awesome. She puts her heels up on my dash board as I throw my hand down her pants. Hands down pants + driving = very difficult. She unbuttons my jeans and starts driving stick shift. Double awesome. I’m all over the fucking road…but somehow make it home. Bring her upstairs and give her all I got. Total time from initiating conversation to giving her the ‘ol stick-and-stir? Under 40 minutes.
I rule!
X
Every once in awhile the pickup Gods smile upon you. Sometimes all you have to do is smile back. Saturday night was one such instance. My wing Alonzo invited me to a work party in Venice. I was feeling a little old as the party had the feel of a house party with young girls, a keg, and drinks being served out of the fridge. Good looking girls though in between all the hipsters. I loathe hipsters. No I don’t listen to the Jonas Brothers; they’re awful and purity rings are for 14-year old girls.
Any way around 11pm Alonzo opens a very cute girl and seems to hit it off, leaving me to my own devices. I’m walking through a courtyard area when a blonde girl with a nose ring kicks the back of knee.
Girl: Oh…..sooorry (very sarcastically)
Me: That’s going to cost you.
I had noticed her earlier. She was really cute, about 5’10”, an inch or so taller than me, and I had planned on approaching her anyway. I plop myself down next to her and immediately start qualifying her. You are very outgoing I like that. etc, etc. We talk about nothing in particular; she mentions that she has a dog, to which I say
“If I ever got a dog I would name him Stains….that way everyone would call him and say ‘Come stains…..come stains’”
She cracks up for a solid 30 seconds. A little more fluff talk. She talks about how she has 2 jobs so when she’s not working she likes to “watch lots of bad reality TV and have lots of sex.” I’m in. I make her laugh again and she leans into me as she’s laughing. I put my arm around her and bring her closer. I go in for the kiss…..full blown makeout session in the courtyard ensues. She pulls me in by my collar which really turns me on.
She says she has to go to the bathroom and I suggest I’ll get a couple of more drinks in the meantime. They are out of alcohol. Perfect! In retrospect I should have just said that anyway. I suggest we go to the nearby bar to continue the party. As we are walking out she says
“Oh I have to tell my sister I’m leaving” (pulls out phone and starts texting) “Taking off…if you are OK, I’ll see you in the morning” Guess we won’t be needing that 2nd drink, will we. :)
Hop in my car, start back to my place. She puts her hand on my junk and starts talking dirty. Awesome. She puts her heels up on my dash board as I throw my hand down her pants. Hands down pants + driving = very difficult. She unbuttons my jeans and starts driving stick shift. Double awesome. I’m all over the fucking road…but somehow make it home. Bring her upstairs and give her all I got. Total time from initiating conversation to giving her the ‘ol stick-and-stir? Under 40 minutes.
I rule!
X
Monday, September 15, 2008
FR: Defeat snatched from the seemingly imminent hands of victory
Haven’t updated in awhile….I’ve been a little lazy and tried to stay off the computer. Couple of stories for you…here’s the first.
Two weeks ago we decide to go PUA old-school and head to The Standard in Hollywood. Not a big fan of the venue but it’ll do in a pinch. We are 3 guys so we go super early. So early in fact that we are literally the first ones there. Shortly thereafter a 3 set and a 2 set of girls arrive separately. I walk across and open the 2 set. Set is going well, nothing spectacular, wing comes in and takes the less attractive of the 2. I’m in with the other; we’ll call her Bobby Fisher. She’s a hottie; really sexy and a little taller than me…A dancer, just graduated from Berkley, studying for the LSAT. Moved her around the venue, lots of touching. A brief kiss. Then an almost kiss (credit Sinn). Probably did these out of order but whatever it didn’t matter she was super into me. I run Strawberry Fields (she said 20…nice). She follows up with a game of her own.
1. What’s you favorite color? (My answer: Royal Purple)
2. You are driving a stick shift car. What kind is it? (Audi)
3. I forget the 3rd question.
She tells me that the answers basically mean I am a freak. Her cold read is unconvincing (although accurate). We go to pull them home. They leave the club with us and the 4 of us walk across the street to my car. As I’m handing the ticket to the valet they are starting to have some doubts. The less attractive girl is visiting from out of town and might be able to charge a room at The Standard to her company. My wing suggests we do that. They are still conferring. I tell them I don’t live far, maybe 15 minutes. They decide they want to go back into the club because “it’s still early” (it’s about 12am). Crap. Why do girls have to ruin a good time by thinking?
Side bar: It’s funny that thinking is not something most of the girls I meet engage in very much. Yet at the point of pulling her home / going in to my room / pulling off her jeans she becomes Immanuel Fucking Kant and starts questioning things. All night you’ve had the attention span of a goldfish and now you are starting to think about things? Ugh. I wonder what goes through a girl’s mind. How well do I know this guy? Does he have an STD? Does he spend 90% of his free time studying how to pickup women? I really wonder. Usually what works best is distracting them with a story or a shiny object. I digress….
Back in the club. Bobby Fisher is giving me a lap dance while AFC’s (and a 60 year old woman) look on. The older woman is both annoying me by distracting my girl and arousing me by watching. It reminds me of when grandma watched me lose my virginity. :) jk. She just high-fived me the next day.
Bobby Fisher has to use the restroom, I do too. Walk to the back, I grab her, pin her against the wall and kiss, then walk off (solo) into the restroom. End of the night comes, she says they are leaving and kisses me goodbye. Number exchange. 2:10 AM comes. She calls. “At the comedy store, come by”. Swing by. She’s outside smoking a cigarette and drunkenly flirting with some guy. Goddamnit. We take off.
3:00am. I get home. She calls again. She is with her friend, eating at Mel’s dinner and wants to know what I’m doing. I tell her I’m at home. I tell her I will talk to her soon. 10 min later she texts:
“I want to be with you ”I text back to cab it to my place. She says ok and asks for the address. Around 4am she texts “We can’t find your place. We are lost and we want you. Direct us”. I call and give her directions. They are only about 5 minutes away. 4:15……4:20…..I call twice. No answer. I text “Lost?” No answer. Blast! Pass out on my couch at 4:30.
Checked my phone in the morning. Nothing. I text her with something like “Sorry I passed out on the couch right after I spoke with you. Did you guys make it home in one piece?”
We’ve texted and played a little phone tag. Oh and found out from my wing….Bobby Fisher, despite being a Berkley grad, is only 20. :)
Two weeks ago we decide to go PUA old-school and head to The Standard in Hollywood. Not a big fan of the venue but it’ll do in a pinch. We are 3 guys so we go super early. So early in fact that we are literally the first ones there. Shortly thereafter a 3 set and a 2 set of girls arrive separately. I walk across and open the 2 set. Set is going well, nothing spectacular, wing comes in and takes the less attractive of the 2. I’m in with the other; we’ll call her Bobby Fisher. She’s a hottie; really sexy and a little taller than me…A dancer, just graduated from Berkley, studying for the LSAT. Moved her around the venue, lots of touching. A brief kiss. Then an almost kiss (credit Sinn). Probably did these out of order but whatever it didn’t matter she was super into me. I run Strawberry Fields (she said 20…nice). She follows up with a game of her own.
1. What’s you favorite color? (My answer: Royal Purple)
2. You are driving a stick shift car. What kind is it? (Audi)
3. I forget the 3rd question.
She tells me that the answers basically mean I am a freak. Her cold read is unconvincing (although accurate). We go to pull them home. They leave the club with us and the 4 of us walk across the street to my car. As I’m handing the ticket to the valet they are starting to have some doubts. The less attractive girl is visiting from out of town and might be able to charge a room at The Standard to her company. My wing suggests we do that. They are still conferring. I tell them I don’t live far, maybe 15 minutes. They decide they want to go back into the club because “it’s still early” (it’s about 12am). Crap. Why do girls have to ruin a good time by thinking?
Side bar: It’s funny that thinking is not something most of the girls I meet engage in very much. Yet at the point of pulling her home / going in to my room / pulling off her jeans she becomes Immanuel Fucking Kant and starts questioning things. All night you’ve had the attention span of a goldfish and now you are starting to think about things? Ugh. I wonder what goes through a girl’s mind. How well do I know this guy? Does he have an STD? Does he spend 90% of his free time studying how to pickup women? I really wonder. Usually what works best is distracting them with a story or a shiny object. I digress….
Back in the club. Bobby Fisher is giving me a lap dance while AFC’s (and a 60 year old woman) look on. The older woman is both annoying me by distracting my girl and arousing me by watching. It reminds me of when grandma watched me lose my virginity. :) jk. She just high-fived me the next day.
Bobby Fisher has to use the restroom, I do too. Walk to the back, I grab her, pin her against the wall and kiss, then walk off (solo) into the restroom. End of the night comes, she says they are leaving and kisses me goodbye. Number exchange. 2:10 AM comes. She calls. “At the comedy store, come by”. Swing by. She’s outside smoking a cigarette and drunkenly flirting with some guy. Goddamnit. We take off.
3:00am. I get home. She calls again. She is with her friend, eating at Mel’s dinner and wants to know what I’m doing. I tell her I’m at home. I tell her I will talk to her soon. 10 min later she texts:
“I want to be with you ”I text back to cab it to my place. She says ok and asks for the address. Around 4am she texts “We can’t find your place. We are lost and we want you. Direct us”. I call and give her directions. They are only about 5 minutes away. 4:15……4:20…..I call twice. No answer. I text “Lost?” No answer. Blast! Pass out on my couch at 4:30.
Checked my phone in the morning. Nothing. I text her with something like “Sorry I passed out on the couch right after I spoke with you. Did you guys make it home in one piece?”
We’ve texted and played a little phone tag. Oh and found out from my wing….Bobby Fisher, despite being a Berkley grad, is only 20. :)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Reason # 367 why I don’t drink while gaming….
Despite many rude responses (especially in the first months) over the several hundred approaches that I’ve done, I’ve never directly insulted a girl in the field. That changed this past weekend when I encountered Chupracabra, the Cockblocking Cougar from Hell in Vegas this weekend.
We are at the Playboy club at the Palms Sat. night and my wing opens a 2 set of cougars that looked like they were really hot back in the day. So was “Who Let The Dogs Out?” but I’m sure the Baha Men don’t walk around today like they’re Kanye fucking West. Anyway he’s in pretty deep with one and needs a wing. Our non-PUA friend tries to occupy the obstacle. She’s rude. Another friend tries. Rude again. These guys are both good-looking, socially intelligent guys but the Cockblock from Hell is not only treating them like they are telemarketing Astroglyde to her but she’s also being difficult with my wing and his target. My turn. I walk in to the 3 of them and say hello. She turns backturns and runs away. I come back 15 minutes later as she’s once again attempting to cockblock and I say “You know I thought I was still watching the Olympics the way you sprinted away a minute ago.” She doesn’t say anything and backturns me again. Ordinarily I would walk away and think about what I did wrong while letting the obstacle wallow in her own misery and the realization that this far past her expiration date all she has to look forward to is a lifetime of being treated like the fat kid on the playground during kickball tryouts. But this is Vegas and that means I’ve had a few drinks. So I get myself another, walk towards another set to open and make a brief stop to this walking yeast infection and say…………”So…..how do you dye just the roots of your hair?”
I walk away with a self-satisfied grin. I know I just blew the set for my wing but it had to be done (sorry man). So ladies….just so you know. Underneath this arrogant, sarcastic, cocky exterior is a sweet, caring, affectionate, wonderful guy. But underneath that is a COMPLETE FUCKING PRICK!
Until next time…..
X
We are at the Playboy club at the Palms Sat. night and my wing opens a 2 set of cougars that looked like they were really hot back in the day. So was “Who Let The Dogs Out?” but I’m sure the Baha Men don’t walk around today like they’re Kanye fucking West. Anyway he’s in pretty deep with one and needs a wing. Our non-PUA friend tries to occupy the obstacle. She’s rude. Another friend tries. Rude again. These guys are both good-looking, socially intelligent guys but the Cockblock from Hell is not only treating them like they are telemarketing Astroglyde to her but she’s also being difficult with my wing and his target. My turn. I walk in to the 3 of them and say hello. She turns backturns and runs away. I come back 15 minutes later as she’s once again attempting to cockblock and I say “You know I thought I was still watching the Olympics the way you sprinted away a minute ago.” She doesn’t say anything and backturns me again. Ordinarily I would walk away and think about what I did wrong while letting the obstacle wallow in her own misery and the realization that this far past her expiration date all she has to look forward to is a lifetime of being treated like the fat kid on the playground during kickball tryouts. But this is Vegas and that means I’ve had a few drinks. So I get myself another, walk towards another set to open and make a brief stop to this walking yeast infection and say…………”So…..how do you dye just the roots of your hair?”
I walk away with a self-satisfied grin. I know I just blew the set for my wing but it had to be done (sorry man). So ladies….just so you know. Underneath this arrogant, sarcastic, cocky exterior is a sweet, caring, affectionate, wonderful guy. But underneath that is a COMPLETE FUCKING PRICK!
Until next time…..
X
Saturday, July 19, 2008
LR: Xander lays The World's Most Annoying Girl
Welcome to The World's Most Annoying Girl pageant, live from beautiful Branson, Missouri. I'm Brian Dunkleman, let's review the criteria for tonight's competition.
1) Make sure to ONLY talk about the A-list clubs you go to and how they suck and how everyone there sucks and how you are so over them. This despite the fact that you go to them 5 nights a week.
2) Name drop frequently and always follow up with "I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about {insert pseudo-celeb here} he tried to talk to me but I was like whatever"
3) Dye your hair, put in extensions, and wear 6 lbs of makeup and then complain about how everyone in LA is "fake".
4) Never ask a SINGLE question. Not about me, not about anything.
5) Interpret ALL sarcastic remarks as being 100% serious. No matter how absurd.
6) Flake repeatedly and often. Agree to meet up at 2am and then change your mind 5 minutes later. Repeat 2x.
7) Make sure sex has all the enthusiasm of a 6am trip to the DMV.
I don't think I'll see this chick again unless it's at 2am and purely out of spite.
X
1) Make sure to ONLY talk about the A-list clubs you go to and how they suck and how everyone there sucks and how you are so over them. This despite the fact that you go to them 5 nights a week.
2) Name drop frequently and always follow up with "I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about {insert pseudo-celeb here} he tried to talk to me but I was like whatever"
3) Dye your hair, put in extensions, and wear 6 lbs of makeup and then complain about how everyone in LA is "fake".
4) Never ask a SINGLE question. Not about me, not about anything.
5) Interpret ALL sarcastic remarks as being 100% serious. No matter how absurd.
6) Flake repeatedly and often. Agree to meet up at 2am and then change your mind 5 minutes later. Repeat 2x.
7) Make sure sex has all the enthusiasm of a 6am trip to the DMV.
I don't think I'll see this chick again unless it's at 2am and purely out of spite.
X
Monday, June 30, 2008
FR: Let me see you do the Jane Fonda
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