Grease

I’ve become adept enough at greasing bouncers that it’s not a big deal but Sat. took some real work. Since this is a part of nightlife few people talk about, I figured I would take an entertaining look at it.

The crew and I roll up to SuperHot Hollywood Club #1 at about 10.15. This is the only place I’ve ever seen where there is a line for bottle service. Wait you are going to sodomize me to the tune of $1,200 for the night AND make me stand outside like an asshole? Impressive.

Anyway, I walk up to the first the bouncer:
Xander: “I have 3 guys and (*bouncer looks at me like I just told him he has ball cancer and its spreading fast*) I’m thinking $100 to make this line disappear.”
Bouncer: *laughing* “Talk to PromoterDouchebag”

Xander: “I have 3 guys, how’s $100?”
PromoterDouchbag: *laughing* “Maybe $100 a guy”.
Xander: “How about $200 for 3?”
PromoterDouchebag: *using his limited mental capacity to calculate the price of an 8ball* “$200? Show me the guys.” *after seeing the guys* “OK”

We decide it’s too much and walk across the street to SuperHot Hollywood Club #2

It’s retarded outside with huge packs of girls standing around in the familiar shivering pose and dudes pretending to be on their cell phone so they don’t look as pathetic on the wrong side of the velvet rope. Off to work my magic…..

Xander: “I have 3 guys and I want to do this the smart way….how’s $100?”
Bouncer #1: This is for bottle service only. And they won’t park your car for $100.

Your hero is undeterred. I walk up to another bouncer as he tells the greasy Persian troll next to me $500 for 3 guys. Said troll throws a tantrum like he was just told that he can’t park his 7 series in the handicapped spot. I negotiate with Bouncer#2 and after another “Show me the guys comment” he agrees to $150. He instructs me to shake Bouncer #3’s hand with the grease and walk in with the group of 3 promoters and 40 girls that are about to walk in. In the meantime Bouncer #4 is chatting with me about the going grease rates here and across the street. After 20 of the girls make it past the rope Bouncer #3, who bears a slight resemblance to the bailiff from “Night Court” except with slicked back hair, halts the ho-stroll and sends them back into the morass of striped shirts and short skirts from whence they came. At this point I approach Bull with my money to which he shouts “$150 for 3 guys, get the fuck out of here!”

Once again your hero laughs in the face of rejection and Brylcream. I chat with Bouncer#4 some more and he agrees to $150. He instructs us to meet him in the back alley where he will open the back door for us. After our delightfully shady transaction and a short jaunt through the faux-kitchen (only there for permit purposes) we arrive into our Shangri-la. A courtyard filled with 80% women with an average looks rating of ~8.5. Great success!

I always laugh when I tell people that I went to some Hollywood hot spot and they say “Oh my God, how did you get in?” Somehow I think they are looking for a more interesting answer than “I had $50”

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