A few weeks ago I was out at a hotspot in Hollywood. As is typical in LA, I run into some pickup artists, mostly notably Matador. He’s slimmed down and wearing a wifebeater, fedora hat, and an Ipod with an ear bud in only his left ear.
The night is drawing to a close and I’m in the parking lot when Mystery doppelganger Dante Valentine sees me and asks for a lift to Mystery’s place. He has 2 girls with him and the four of us hop into my car en route to the Grand PUA’s Fortress of Solitude.
On the way we see a girl that I was talking to earlier. One of my buddies invited a girl out and this girl came with her but at the moment she is wrecked out of her mind and wondering the streets of Hollywood and Las Palmas. We politely extract her from the gentlemen who were “helping” her as they said. I had no idea the Red Cross of Cock set up in front of Les Deux. She hops in and immediately passes out in the back seat.
We get to Mystery’s place and wait for Matador to meet us. We get out of my car and wander around the parking lot a little, all except the passed out drunk girl who is mumbling something about Shikira. After Matador shows up I walk back to my car to check on the lifeless body of said club girl when I hear…….*BLAAAAAH*
NOOOOOOOOO!!!! She woke up just in time to yak all over my leather seats! I drag her out by her wrists but it’s too late. I’m fuming.
I walk into Mystery’s place a drunk Matador is giving me a pep talk of sorts. He complains that the directors and producers at the club were all fake and robotic and how he is the one walking out with girls and not them. I give up pointing out the obvious irony in his statement after he compliments me by saying I can do it too because I am better looking than him (not true, but I appreciate when people say I’m good looking. ;) )
When we get to Mystery’s afterparty I tell him about the girl puking in my car and he says: “Ewwww, gross. We’ll clean it up.” He laughs, puts his arm around me, and says, “I will be your wolf tonight.” I’m telling you folks, I can’t make this stuff up.
I’m way too pissed to enjoy the afterparty so after a still drunk Matador helps me clean my backseat I decide to take off. On my way out I see the girl who wrecked my night.
Me: Gimme your purse
Girl: *Mumbling something inaudible*
Me: Give me your purse
I snatch her purse out of her hand, determined to take the money it will undoubtedly take to properly clean my car. Unfortunately, like all chickenheads, she is completely broke and out of cash. I toss the purse back to her and walk to my car.
As I get to my car my buddy texts me:
Buddy: My girl is worried about her friend. Is she with you?
Me: The bitch puked in my car!!!!!!
Buddy: Haha. Can you bring her here?
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I take off home, with the faint smell of Cosmo’s emanating from the back seat……
X
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